A little lost

It really sucks when you know what you want, ways to get it, but can't seem to get yourself there.  I don't know if it is just the fear of failing, lack of confidence, laziness or what - but it's an endless struggle I seem to have.  I kinda hate posting about it because I feel like I've written this post 10x or more since I started this blog and lived this countless times more.  I feel like a failure when I keep repeating this same thing over and over..... (you don't have to say it, I know no one sees me as a failure or disappointment...) It's just crazy.  

I just know where I need to be: 150 lbs (or less - honestly)  
I know that I've only gained weight each year for ever
I know that ... Okay, this is just getting depressing. I'm not going to keep rehashing this.  We've all heard it a thousand times. You probably read this and say, "Hasn't she found anything that works for her yet?!"  A friend from HS messaged me the other day about advocare.  I just can't spend any more money on anything like this.  I've wasted money on pretty much every other option out there - Herbalife (which i really liked!), Nutrisystem, VLCD diets, itWorks, etc..... I know they haven't worked long term because I haven't given it my all.  If someone wants to sponsor me and coach me I'd do it in a heartbeat. hahaha I just can't spend any more money.  I should be on one of those shows where I have no choice but to comply. No distractions, no options, no choice but to follow the program. BUT I know that woudn't fix anything. That wouldn't fix me and whatever issues I have that keep holding me back.  I have to be able to figure out what the heck my issue is and address it.  

It's crazy because I feel like I know little about myself.  If you ask me what I like to do - it's pretty limited.  I like being with friends and family, playing games, and making other people happy.  I don't really have many hobbies. I don't spend a lot of time by myself.  I don't know what makes me tick.  I don't know me as well as I feel I should.  I really need to work on that this year.  I used to sit on my porch when I was younger, and write lyrics.  I'd put them to a little tune or something in my head and just write.  I enjoyed that. I've never had the talent to put anything to music, nor were they probably that good to be anything significant  (I mean, I was a teenager lol) but still - it was something I enjoyed.  I still love to sing and listen to music.  I think I want to learn more about our digital SLR and photography. Maybe photo editing too.  I think that would be fun.  So at least I have a few things I want to start this year.  

Annnnnd I think I'll stop rambling. I didn't know where this post was going to go when I started writing, but we'll wrap it up now.  Basically I just need to do some reflecting and figure out what makes me tick....what will make me start making progress on goals I have...Thanks for being awesome guys. <3  

xoxo Katie