Just another post

Sitting here today just drooling at the thought of coffee cake that is 10 ft away from me.  It sucks. I want it! I'm PMS'ing and I want it!  BUT I know that one tiny piece of coffeecake will turn into another piece or two....which will turn into a handful of m&m's...which will turn into a couple chocolates....which will turn into whatever else I want followed by feelings of crappiness. UGH.  It's how I imagine it being if someone was just like, I'm going to just do a "smidge of crack" - not gonna happen.  This is all just going through my head.  Craziness.

Diet bet 1 was a big flop.  Glad my cousins have more strength than I do and they at least won.  Good job girls!  Blah - it sucks.  Diet Bet 2 will likely not happen for me.  Almost 8 lbs to lose by Sunday.... not likely.  Ughhhhhhh just want to scream or cry. lol  If I can't make this happen soon, I prob will look into surgery.  I just worry about a lot (go figure) -- what if my doctor won't support me getting that done... But I think I have enough failed attempts that she prob would be supportive (I hope?!) 

I don't really know what else to write --- I feel like all my posts are the same and go basically like this:

    Yes! It's time! I'm going to do this -- I've got this -- gonna finally lose the weight

    Day 1 - doing great!

    Day 2 - awesome...yeah, I'm really doing this!

    *MIA for a month*

    Well crap - I now weigh more than I did before.....

    *MIA again*

    Yes! It's time! I'm going to do this -- I've got this -- gonna finally lose the weight

    .....

And that's how it repeats, over and over... 

I get in these funks and it's not fun.  I know what people need what I need to do to lose weight... I just can never seem to implement it for more than a minute. (relatively speaking) Yes. Eat right. Exercise. I get it. I feel like a failure that I can't do that. "But you CAN do it" makes me kinda crazy -- obviously something is up if after 13+ years I haven't..... Obviously I'm not alone. People struggle with weight all the time. People are obese. People go on diets. People have surgery. I just feel like I'm not only letting others down, that I'm letting myself down too. That I'm weak or not good enough.  

And I go back and forth about posting this entry because I feel like I shouldn't feel this way... that it's wrong to feel like this... But in the same breath, I know others feel the same way.  I know that I'm not alone. I know that I have amazing support.  I know people -crazily- feel that I'm a beautiful person.  :) I'm so thankful for the people in my life. My husband, my family, my friends...they're great!!  Writing things out is like my therapy. I feel better after. I feel more in control.  It helps.

I'm not giving up by any means. I'm not cramming my face with coffee cake right now.  I'm still trying.  I'm not sulking. Just admitting how frustrating it is and disappointing it is and maybe letting someone else out there know that they're not alone!    

A big shout out to my husband who is encouraging, supportive and crazy in love with me :) Love you babe! Thank you!

Stay strong everyone (including me ;) 

xoxo 

Katie