Annnnnnd *poof* it's been 3 months...

I think Halloween was my biggest downfall.  Between the candy at home and the candy at work, I was HORRIBLE.  And of course, when you're allowing yourself to be bad with that, everything else spirals into a terrbile pit of not caring.  I see this co-worker of mine who I got to sign up for WW with me looking great. She's continually lost.  She's stuck with it since April.  She's also the main culprit, though, of bringing in crap for everyone else to eat.  Coffee cakes, muffins, candy, etc.  I don't know how it doesn't phase her, but unfortunately that just makes it too easy for me to slip.  Since I stopped paying for and going to WW, it's just been bad :( 

It sucks because after you get through the 3-month deal that you sign up for $55/mo just seems like sooooooo much.  But man, the program really helped me focus and make progress - even slowly.  Unfortunately I've undone all that...again. That program, and the accountability, really works - and I miss it. I miss feeling in control.  I need to figure that out again.  Unfortunately, I know work is just going to get worse and worse with the holidays...with people bringing treats in, customers leaving candy, and probably a pot luck or two.  

So I dunno - I've definitely had the most consistent success with Weight Watchers.  They're releasing a new plan next week.  From what I've heard, it's going to focus even more on lean means and proteins.  But my friend said she'd fill me in when it goes live.  It's just frustrating because in theory losing weight should be so easy.  Eat less, eat better, move more.  I don't know why I have to rely so much on plans and programs :-/  

But after stepping on the scale this morning - something's gotta give!  I need to come up with a good game plan. Get back to meal prepping and being in control.  It's amazing how much that alone makes a difference in how you feel.  

Not a whole lot to this post, but I wanted to get back on here.  Own it. And keep going.  

Here's to a good December!

xoxo
Katie

Man oh man

Sheesh, one day I will get this!! 

It's been a while since I posted last. Things are going decently well. I still have my WW membership and although I haven't made every meeting, I'm still working on it!  I did not go last week.  We had gone to Mackinac Island last week and when we got back, I just could not get back on track.  My sister got married this past Saturday, so I let the rehearsal dinner and the wedding be my excuse to not really get back on track until yesterday.  So needless to say I've got some work to do.  I think it's just about 3 lbs that I need to lose to be back to where I was at the official weigh in 2 weeks ago.  I'm still like 7 lbs away from my lowest with WW this time around.  Summer has been rough.  BUT, it's almost over. Although it seems like we still always have something going on.  

Steve and I have been doing better with meal prep and portions.  So we're getting there!!  I really like cooking things ahead of time and having them ready to go for lunches and dinners -- even though it means just reheating.  It's easy.  I'm glad I haven't given up my membership though.  That's what I normally do and then I just gain it allllllll back and then some more!  I'm not going to let that happen anymore.  I'm far from where I want to be - but I'm still a ways away from the highest I've been....I don't want to go back there.  Just looking at the comparison from two posts ago I think it was.....I've made progress!  I'm going to keep making progress.  

So let's make some goals:

Saturday 8/26: Be at or below my weigh in from 8/12 (-3 lbs)
End of August - 8/31: Be where I was at the beginning of August (-6 lbs)
September: Work out 3 days a week at least and lose 6 lbs within the month 

If When I do all that, I'll be down to almost 260 at the end of September which would will be amazing.  

Slowly but surely I will get there.  I've got a new book coming that I'm anxious to read - and one from the library that I need to start on!  All about believing in and loving yourself :) 

Hope everyone has a great day!

xoxo
Katie

A lot can happen in two weeks...

...and it's not always good. So July 1st was my last weigh in for weight watchers.  That was of course a weekend of "holiday eating" - BBQs, cheesecakes, etc...and oh..yeah... no tracking. [wah wah wah] Other than Tuesday of this week, I have not fully tracked a day since then!  And boy oh boy did it show when I stepped on the scale this morning.  This is the point where I want to quit WW.  Not because I think it doesn't work... not because of the cost (even though I'll use that as an excuse, and I DO think it's overpriced) but because I'm embarrassed to go to another meeting and be up so much.  I'm up 8 lbs in 2 weeks as of this morning.  Granted, I'm hoping some of it falls off quickly, but still!!!! WTH. Why do I do this to myself???? 

I do not want to go to a meeting on Saturday, but I will.  I'm so embarrassed to step on that scale and see my progress deteriorated.  I do know, though, if I quit...if I stop going to meetings...if I say it's too expensive to stick with -- I will be back up to 300.  If I gain 8 lbs in 2 weeks, I know it would happen.  And it would happen fast.  You just get in that down, depressed mood and it snowballs.  So I'm not going to let that happen this time.  I'm not waiting for Monday.  I'm tracking today.  I will stay within my points.  Next week will be challenging.  I already know that I'll be a bit emotional and then we have a vacation.  

So am I down 35 lbs still?  No.  But I AM down.  I am still down 25.  25 lbs is a lot.  It's good.  I will lose that 10 again and then more.  I will not let myself fall into the same hole that I always do.  It's so hard.  I haven't trained myself to love the good for me food - and I wish I could dislike all the bad food......I wish I would want to exercise or work out.... 

Hopefully one day I crave kale, hate potato chips, and feel empty without a workout.....  one day.... lol

But today I will track.  Track everything.  I will be honest with myself. I will be good to myself.  I will not hide behind my embarrassment or disappointment with myself.  I will move forward.  

xoxo
Katie

Have you seen it?

When we lose our focus, we lose sight of what we want - why we started in the first place.

I feel like I have been losing my focus for the past few weeks.  I haven't been tracking really at all.  I've missed a few weigh ins and meetings.  I have not been giving it nearly 100%.  It shows in the way I feel about myself.  We went camping over the weekend and I didn't think I was THAT bad.  I weighed this morning just to see what I needed to do for the week, and the scale proved me wrong.  I did do THAT BAD.  It was very disappointing, and while I know part of it is the lack of water, I know a lot of it was poor choices - and not just from the weekend but for the past weeks.  It definitely catches up to you.

So all I can do is get back on track.  I'm loading up on water and watermelon today.  I am still glad that I'm doing WW because if I weren't,  I know I'd be up to my highest again.  With a change of schedule - just trying to get into a routine - plus all the adventures of summer, it's hard.  It seems like there's always a BBQ coming up, always a work party or just snacks, always something out of the norm... 

Need to focus on the positives...
       + Still down ~ 27 lbs (today) from my highest 
       + Down 13+ from WW
       + When I'm eating well, I feel better physically and mentally
       + I can see the difference when I do side by sides

Need to focus on my WHY
      *  I want to feel good about myself
      *  I want to have more confidence
      *  I {obviously} want to not look/feel HUGE
      *  I want to be able to wear cute clothes
      *  I want to have a 1 as the first digit of my weight
     
Of course there's more, but this is the gist.  I just want to look and feel better about myself!  I know I've done pretty good so far, but I'm slipping. And I can't keep going that direction.  In two years I've lost 30 lbs.  Since January, I'm down almost 17.  I just have a lot of work to do still. It's overwhelming at times.  I know what needs to be done.  But even when you have all the pieces in front of you - and a set of instructions - sometimes it still feels like you're putting together a piece of furniture from Ikea.  

I know I'll get there - I wish it was faster... and I wish it was easier... but I just need to remember what I want - no matter the reason.  Anyhow - I just know it had been a while since I posted anything, so I figured, might as well today since I was bumming a bit.  

xoxo
Katie

It's not a race

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

jour·neyˈjərnē/
noun1.
an act of traveling from one place to another.
"she went on a long journey"

It's not a race that I'm on... it's a journey. It's not something to be rushed.  It's something to  take in the sights and appreciate where you've been, what you've seen, what you've learned along the way.  I have an idea of where I am going, but going with the flow and taking the turns as they come.  Weight Watchers has still been going well. I'm enjoying it!  It's really helped keep me moving in the right direction.  

I weighed in today and was up a pound.  I'm good with it.  I could make excuses and say that it's because I was wearing work clothes, or weighed at a different location, and a day early at that.... but I gained because of choices I made. The weekends are where things go crazy. It was Mother's Day weekend and yeah.... I enjoyed. LOL It's life.  Maybe I should, but I'm not willing to give up all the celebrations.  It's all good though.  I've been moving in the right direction. I've come a long way already.  In 2 months I'm down almost 14 lbs from WW.  That's nothing to complain about!!  

I've come so far from my heaviest too.  The first pic here was close to that point (28 lbs heavier).  I'm still not happy with how I look in pictures.  Mother's Day pics were still really hard for me to look at.  I just see myself as huge.  And then I'm like, how was I 30 lbs heavier?! UGH!  But even with that, at least I can say I'm not there anymore.  I'm not going back. I'll keep moving in the right direction - even if it's a half pound at a time.  I will reach my goals.  It may not be in a year...or two...or three..... but slowly but surely, I will get there.  

So with that, I keep going...keep moving...keep learning and I'm going to get there.

Ran into an old friend while weighing in today. Someone who's come SO FAR on her journey.  

A real inspiration :) 

I want to inspire one day! #Goals 

xoxo Katie

Throwing Weekends Away

I need to stop... For whatever reason, I can't seem to get a hold of my weekends.  I can have a perfect week and then I just give up on myself over the weekends.  Last week I was able to redeem my bad weekend and still wind up down a pound and a half, but I don't know if I'll be able to this week.  I'm going to try work hard and not let this feeling of disappointment and disgust with myself linger.  It's done...it's something I chose to do...I can't change the past now. I just need to accept it and get right back on track.  I'm just really feeling bad about myself.  This is the self-sabatoge I always run into!!  We had two birthday parties this weekend, but I strayed outside of that too. 


So obviously I didn't weigh today....I HAVE to weigh tomorrow just to log my weight for DietBet.  I obviously won't make the goal, but I'm hopeful that I can pull off one of the final rounds. I need to get to 254.1 .... I'm gonna try. I AM moving in the right direction - just need to pull my weekends together. 


So the positives:

• Since starting WW 6 weeks or so ago, I'm down 11.5 lbs.  
• From my highest weight, I'm down approx 32 lbs.
• I was able to wear a pair of jeans that still had tags on them from a year or two ago
• People are noticing
• I get more compliments
• When I'm eating good food and staying within my points, I feel good about myself
• I am learning to not let my trip ups, turn into quitting completely
• I have been making some really delicious meals
• I am learning to be proud of myself when I'm doing well

I am really going to try to not beat myself up too much about my slipping up. I do want to remember how disappointed and actually sad I feel with myself at this moment though.  I knew what I should've done and I chose what I knew was bad for me.  I want to remember this because I don't want to do this every weekend. I can't afford to do this every weekend.  Being so far over my weekly points will not allow for a loss for someone who doesn't work out....a LOT. 

I just feel so defeated by myself.  But I have a great day planned. I will kill it this week.  My goal is to not gain.  If I can bring back this week to maintain where I left off on Saturday, I will accept that. This is the point where I normally would snowball into eating whatever since I screwed up my weekend.  This is the point where before I would have started to give up on WW again.  That's not fair to myself or the program.  The program works.  I just need to fully commit.  I am human. I will screw up.  But I'm worth brushing it off and getting right back on the horse.  

I am worth it

Best of luck to all for the week!

xoxo
Katie

Thank you Facebook "On This Day..."

Blah! So facebook reminded me back 3 years ago, I weighed 248.9.... that was while i was consuming 600 calories a day on the VLCD...... That was about when I started falling apart on that program I think, though.  I remember feeling really good at first....but then feeling deprived and desparate for a slice of pizza, or bread, or anything..... but any of that would throw you out of ketosis and the program really didn't offer the support that I think would've been helpful.  I remember having a cold and taking dayquil not thinking that it had sugar in it....so I threw myself out of ketosis without even realizing it.

So I may not be 248 today..... but I am the lowest I've been in a couple years.....and I am moving in the right direction...the RIGHT way.  Is it slow? Yes.  But I will get there.  Yesterday I made sure I was up and walking in place or in circles in my family room when I was watching a show on TV. It really helped me get my steps in, and not feel guilty for watching a show.  I also walked to pick C up from school. She loves when I do - and plus I don't have to deal with the insane parking lot!  WIN WIN!  I know I need to start increasing my activity more.  We'll prob reactivate our gym membership at some point.  I honestly don't have the desire to go...I'm not going to lie. lol But I know I need to do something. I realize diet is the biggest part to losing weight at this point, but I know it will make a difference and speed things up the more active I am.  

Anyhow -- I am moving in the right direction.  I'm down almost 26 lbs from my heaviest!  I'm proud of myself <3

xoxo
Katie

Back to WW

After my last post, I wound up getting an e-mail for a discount on signing up for Weight Watchers with meetings.  All of the ones previously had been for online only, which I wasn't interested in.  I took it as a SIGN and climbed aboard the WW train again!  My partner-in-crime joined me! (Go textie!) and a co-worker did too.  So I'm doing this!  I went to my first meeting last Saturday.  We were going to a movie afterwards, so I went to the 8:30 a.m. meeting and holy crap - there were SO MANY people!  It was really motivating.  Most of the meeting was group discussion...it just seems like there is so much support there. It was great!  As much as sleeping in longer sounds good, I think I'll stick to the 8:30 meetings.  

So weighing in for the first time wasn't too bad. It was where I thought I'd be which was only 1/2 lb more than when I stopped WW last year!  The lady checking me in was impressed.  I told her I've been up a lot higher, but I've come back down - and I'm just really excited to be back.  After the first week, at least for me, you're really excited to weigh in.  It's typically the biggest loss.  I've weighed myself at home and I am down, so definitely looking forward to Saturday.  I know the scale is just a number...blah blah... but it's such a b*tch sometimes!!! 

They do have you set a goal weight - you don't have to do it right away - but they want you to set a long-term goal and then every 4 weeks you set a short-term goal too.  After I weigh on Saturday I'll set my 4 week goal.  Long-term...for now I said 175....no, that won't put me as a lifetime member, and I will still be overweight BUT for now that is my goal.  Once I get there, I'm sure I'll drop it :) And I WILL get there.  

This is going to be another month where I do not reach my dietbet goal.  Steve may though!!  He's close!! He's been doing amazing.  So as it stands now - in order to reach the next dietbet goal (yes....as I keep missing them, it keeps getting harder....UGH) I will need to lose 17.5 lbs by April 30th.  Is it a lot? Yes.  Will I need to work my ass off in order to do it? YES!  Is it possible?  Hell yeah!  Okay....so maybe i'm trying to talk myself into it being possible, but it really is.  Probable?  Not necessarily with my track record, but I'm going to try to start defying the odds.  Getting out of my comfort zone. Doing more. Moving more. Being more. 

The other day Claire had me running, hopping, and jumping down the street as we went for a walk.  She's been really into being active and that makes me so happy. I don't ever want to hinder that. I want her to be fit and healthy and not go through all that I've gone through with being overweight.  I want her to make healthy choices and be proud of herself.  She's growing so fast and makes me so proud!  

So for now, that's all.  I'll post after my next WW meeting.  

xoxo

Katie

Spring is here!

Whether it feels like it or not, spring is here!  And that means..... summer is next!! 

EEEEK!!!  

Uh, wait....wasn't I supposed to be 30 lbs lighter by now?! Well damn.  Thanks to MFP, I can look back to see how much I weighed last time I posted a blog (January 4th -- yes, I'm a slacker) and I'm actually down 5.6 lbs.  So that is a good thing!   From June 8, 2015 - I'm down 21 lbs.  I'm trying to remind myself to be proud of the progress I've made.  It's been a slow journey -- one that's barely started still -- but I need to remind myself that I am capable.  I can do this.  No, I won't be a size 12 by {this} summer ... but one of these summers, I will be.  

The struggle is real.  I fall somewhere between "I want to be sexy AF" and "Cupcakes are healthy muffins after I lick the frosting off, right?"

".  

It's the constant back and forth for me: 

The "I'm-totally-pumped-about-this" that wears off in a day... 

The defeat I feel when I see the jeans that I've never gotten to wear because they haven't fit (even though they're the same size I do wear..... HATE women's clothes sizing!!) .... 

The "It's hard for me to stick to because it is so slow".... 

The "I need to learn to like exercise"... 

The "I didn't think I looked that big until I saw a picture of myself"......

The "I can't wait to be a regular size so I can have cute, sexy clothes".....

The "I'm not near 300 anymore! Yay!"

The "I can lose weight - I've done it...maybe not as much as I'd like, but I can do it!"

There's ups and downs. The roller coaster that goes through my head constantly.  Do I want pizza? Um, yes. That answer is always yes.  Should I never eat pizza again?  No - that would turn me into a miserable person.  Moderation.  Something I still need to learn.  Lucky for me, I've got great support.  Steve, as usual, is awesome.  Pushes me, puts up with me, encourages me, tells me that I'm beautiful...... even when I drive him flipping crazy while being a crazy, emotional, hangry woman.... 

I'm going to try to get my steps in.. going to try adding the random squats while brushing my teeth, or walking in place while doing dishes.... try to add movement to every day activities... the little bits will add up and hopefully I'll see it.  I need to get back to blogging now and then -- not once every few months.  I've got to own my successes and short comings. Push forward and set more obtainable smaller goals, as well as reach for those long-term goals still too!

Where I am today: (well, yesterday) 280.3

Goals:

• Miracle Goal - I don't think it'd be obtained without a 7-day diet and a lotta prayers: 265.4 by 3/31.... This would just let me win this round of the DietBet that I slacked on getting too. I don't expect to reach this one.... but I shall give it my best
• 260 by the end of April
• Fit into those damn jeans that I have in my closet!!

I'll leave my goals at that for now.  If you've read my blog before, you know that I always have many goals.  As I reach them, I'll try to celebrate them here!  I was going to sign up for Weight Watchers with meetings again as I think that's the healthiest WL approaches I've used.  I like the meetings because when you have successes, you get to celebrate with others and they're legitimately proud of you.  Whether you lost .5 lbs, or got your 10 lb ribbon - they make it a big deal.  But I think I'll try to do it on my own for now.  I'll try to turn to the blog to share my successes and work on just being proud of myself.  Feels kinda silly being excited for a 5 lb star sticker, but it was a cool thing for me.  

Okay - enough rambling today.  Cookies* if you read the whole thing!!

xoxo 

Katie

*Cookies are fictional because honestly giving cookies out would be totally counter-productive to my whole goal of finding health....plus I've eaten all the Girl Scout cookies we had, so there's no cookies to give

It's a new year!

The new year is always like "Monday" when it comes to dieting or getting healthy.  You get to a point in the year -- typically around Thanksgiving -- and you're like "Uh yeah, in JANUARY I'll start!"  Well, it's January - and I'm starting off strong.  So I probably said I wouldn't do one again, but I'm doing another DietBet. (You should be able to still join by clicking here)  The concept is great... you pay to join and if you lose 4% in 4 weeks you get to split the pot of all who entered who didn't reach their goal.  I have NEVER succeeded in one.  I'm done with that!  I joined. Steve joined. Kelly joined. We're all freaking doing this!  I can't afford to just throw $30 away.  I need to restock my Younique supply with Kelly's party!  That's almost my foundation.... eek! LOL 

So resolutions --- I haven't had a real resolution in many years.  I mean, I guess last year, I said I would lose at least a pound.  So I did that. That works.  I'm not big on resolutions though, because I tend to self-sabotage.  I stop myself from succeeding.  I don't know why, but that's a trend I've noticed I do A LOT.  I get close to a goal and I don't let myself achieve it.  So there's things I want to do this year, but I'm not setting any real resolutions.  I'm just gonna go with the flow and do my best.  

It's hard not to put a number on it. A friend of mine shared something with me and I know it's not good to put a number on it...to just work at being healthy without the stigma of a number...but being able to see quantifiable results is so satisfying.. of course that's only if you are getting the results you want and not moving in the opposite direction.  I can't find what she shared with me, but I'm going to try to find balance between the number and just being healthier!   (I chose to wear my tight jeans today just to remind myself of where I want to go.......and they were clean.... )  I'm so frustrated with my wardrobe though.  I know it's not necessarily the right reason, but I want cute clothes!  I don't want to have numbers and X's in my size. I want to shop in the regular section and maybe wind up in just a plain ole large one day.  

I found that Amazon Prime Video has some Yoga videos for free so I think I'm going to check those out.  I'm really going to make this my year.  It's great having people on the same journey as me... even if their road may be shorter...it's still hard.  We stick together.  We can do this. We will succeed!

xoxo
Katie